The Battle (S1 ep 9)

At this point I've given up on picking up the thread of the narrative I started talking about my life when these episodes aired, mostly because I realized that, aside from the premier, I don't believe I watched TNG until I was a senior in high school. At that time I was watching a new (to me) episode every day.

I don't know the first time I saw this episode, it was probably in the spring of 89, that's when the bulk of those late night conversations were taking place with my then girlfriend that I didn't have the guts to break up with. So we blew through my time as a Taco Bell employee, my comical time as a construction worker, and are just getting to my rather uninteresting time as a house painter.

It was a time when my step-father's hold on reality was slipping away. He'd taken to purchasing cars by the dozen when he suddenly decided to be the owner/operator of a business focused on, apparently, owning expensive classic cars.

And by owning, I mean borrowing money in order to possess said cars. It's strange to me because in a given week I might drive a tow truck to school one day, and then roll in with a 57 Chevy the next. It was a strange time.

At this point he'd long since left his good (for us) paying job and dedicated all his resources to ruining the family financially. That including pulling out all his retirement, attempting to do so with my mother's, and taking about as many personal and business loans as he could get approved for.

All for this vague belief that he could make himself into a auto/construction/landscaping mogul.

However, I don't think spending 6 or 7 hours a day drinking Whiskey and Coke in one's underwear while watching Days of Our Lives and whatever else daytime television had to offer was a solid business plan.

But that didn't change the fact that he was never there in the evenings when the haunted cemetery across the street was looking for underage people to haunt, or, thankfully, when that evening's TNG episode would air. He was usually out of the house by the time my mother would leave for work. I believe his usual destination was 'Pete's Party Place.' A now defunct pool hall/bar that was probably where most of his business ideas came from.

So it's weird to me, the memories that come up as I consider the episodes I'm watching. I can't always explain why I think about something instead of another, but it is what it is, I guess.

Part of the reason I'm doing this blog at all is because I remember channel hopping one day a few months ago and coming across a TNG episode and being totally dumbfounded about the scene that was playing. I just couldn't place it. Had I seen it before? It sorta freaked me out. I mean, what if I haven't seen every episode multiple times? What if I just thought I had? What if, and I know I'm being crazy here, I've made it this long and never seen one or two?

Lies, blasphemy, trickery. But still, I don't know. Maybe.


 I have no memories of this episode. I knew that Picard served aboard the Stargazer before the Enterprise, but I think I had that knowledge due to some TNG novels, of which I read plenty. But this felt like something either I'd forgotten entirely, or I'd never seen. Ever.

Regardless, I don't remember being a big fan of the Ferengi during the TNG run, and upon this rewatch, was disappointed to see that they've already had two appearances in the nine shows to air so far. This take on them is much less ridiculous than The Last Outpost.

And to this point, that may be my favorite episode of the show, which isn't saying much, since it only managed to garner a two-star review, but you'll also note that's as good as anything else has been able to achieve in these nine episodes.

This episode is probably better than it should have been, considering how awful it clearly was at a script stage... wait, I shouldn't have said that, I haven't read the script, I don't know. I do know that the director of this episode is pretty beloved, and so I'm willing to give him the benefit of belief that he improved on it from whatever its conception was.

My synopsis goes something like this: The Ferengi have asked Picard to meet them out in the middle of nowhere for a surprise. Once there, the Enterprise waits for three days before the Ferengi agree to talk to them. Once they do talk, they say they have a gift for Picard, and it's the Stargazer! The ship that made Picard famous.

You see, Picard as the Stargazer crew were attacked by an unknown enemy many years prior and where nearly destroyed before Picard did some helmsmen-related trickery and managed to win the battle. What he did is now taught at the academy to cadets. But they had to abandon ship and flee on shuttlecraft.

Well, in the present, Picard starts getting headaches, the Ferengi remain magnanimous, sorta, and then the crew discover while going over the logs aboard the Stargazer that Picard is full of lies, that he attacked a Ferengi vessel, knew what he did,  and confessed to it in his personal log.

But Troi, who we know from their previous meeting has absolutely no ability at all to read Ferengi, senses their duplicity right off the bat. Just as she senses that Picard is being 'attacked by memories,' or something.

So there is probably less than a millisecond before Riker states that the Ferengi must have figured out a way to falsify Picard's personal logs, Riker still tells on his Captain to Starfleet, but advises that it will be a day or so before they hear anything back. In the meantime, they get to work trying to figure out how the Ferengi cheated.

Picard's headaches continue to worsen. He starts doubting his ability to correctly remember what really happened, and finally loses his cool and beams over to the Stargazer and starts reliving the events of that day when he destroyed the Ferengi vessel all those years ago.

Wesley basically figures out everything and has an awkward conversation with his mom about how much of a genius he is, but once that is over it's all on the table that the Ferengi have been slowly planting Picard with false memories and Riker confronts the Ferengi about it. The Ferengi arrest their Captain, say they're sorry, and leave. The Enterprise crew figure out a way to counteract the previously believed to be infallible 'Picard Maneuver' and convince Picard that he's been fooled.

And then everything is fine.

Some thoughts:

• The Ferengi where aghast at the thought of being on their view screen a few short episodes ago, they don't seem to care now.
• We learn that headaches aren't really a thing in the 24th century. Except for Picard's, which Dr Crusher takes care of with 'Medical Fakery.' I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds like she took care of the headache.
• Again, Troi doesn't blink about getting her psychic vibe from the Ferengi this time. A few short episodes ago they were an enigma to her. But then again, she was reading them just fine later in that same episode now that I think about it. There was some real lazy writing early on.
• An approaching vessel will trigger an 'intruder alert?' Do they even know what that means?
• The Ferengi are way less like monkeys this episode. It's fun to think that they may have all just been high the first time we met them, because they were crazy then.
• At some point I think you have to kill a joke if it is as dumb as the 'Data is second-hand merchandise' one they used during the episode. Just tell the Ferengi that he's not for sale and be done with it. Sheesh. You don't have to go and insult the guy. Data may not have feelings, but they were just mean.
• I hate psychics. Troi sensed Picard was being attacked by his past. Um, okay.
• A few minutes later, she senses 'mechanical thoughts' in Picard. Uh, what? I'm starting to think she's more of a con artist than psychic. She's spewing out enough nonsense that once everything is over she  can go back and say, 'I knew it!' but it's actually no help at all in the moment. She's like Nostradamus - mostly inane ramblings, but if you squint your eyes and say this means that, and not the other thing, then after everything is over you can kinda look back and think there was something psychic going on.
• The Picard Maneuver. Sweet! I thought it was just the name for tugging his tunic down once they started wearing two piece uniforms later on. Glad to see it's a real thing.
• When they are aboard the Stargazer, the display Data stands in front of looks enormously huge.

  

  Yes it's big, but the resolution must suck. Look at the font size!

  But not especially well formatted for someone only 18 inches in front of the screen. Also, a human using that control system would have carpal tunnel in a few hours. It seems that ergonomics is a lost art in the 24th century.
• Is it just me, or has Picard been through a mind-controling experience two episodes in a row? So in just nine episodes humanity has been judged a few times, Picard has been mind-controlled a few times, and they've run into the Ferengi (a supposedly mysterious race) a few times. TNG is not afraid of repeating themselves here. Damn.
• And Picard has had his voice faked a couple of times! Riker puts Data on the task to figure out how the Ferengi did it. I'm no expert, but I'd say they should ask Wesley, who did it well enough to take control of the Enterprise a few episodes ago when he got space drunk.
• Speaking of Wesley... Goddammit. Did he just figure out everything and then have to explain it to the adults? He

  

  Actual dialog: "You're welcome, ladies." 

  figured out Picard's brain scans by 'glancing at them' when his mother had them out. Jesus! He is so damn smug.
• It's the first time I've really noticed the ship's voice. Not sure if that's the voice I'm used to.
• The Ferengi transporter effect is very cheesy. I guess it was cutting edge TV fx at the time.
• So, that the Stargazer is clearly a fully functional ship doesn't make anyone ask why it was abandoned in the first place? I mean, it's a little singed on the inside, but is there any system that isn't working? It's fine! It was really, really dumb to abandon it.
• Tasha Yar was fine.
• Wesley made up for it, he was god-awful. I hate him so much.

Look, this is not good, but it's miles better than it has any right to be.

And there is a lot to hate here. I watched a TOS episode a few days ago, The Carbomite Maneuver and in that episode, the enemy of the week, after manhandling the enterprise and and telling them that they're all going to die, was rendered helpless near the end. Kirk beamed over to try to save them instead of running away. The whole point of the episode is that we can't judge someone as evil if we don't really know them. Turns out they were just a bit scared.

Contrast that with this one, where the Ferengi are labeled as duplicitous right from the beginning and with only a single encounter with one ship in all of the Federation's history, they are judged and assumed to be wicked from the get go. And of course, like in many a poorly written show, the stars are always correct, no matter how illogical their gut feeling is about something.

I know the show had a limited budget, but even if it had a lot of money to throw around, there is only so much you could have done with it at the time. But the production here isn't very impressive. The script, that was awful. The reason that this isn't rated even lower is that I felt that this did hit on some nice themes. Seeing Picard deal with his demons was a legitimately emotional experience to watch. He looked genuinely tormented and raised the whole episode on his own.

The revenge tale that this turned out to be, about a grieving father trying to make Picard suffer, as poorly executed as the concept was, was still genuinely touching. It was an enemy that saw everything through a different lens and had a justifiable right to seek recompense for his lost son.

So, not bad, my rating?

2 out of 5