Datalore (S1 ep 13)

The baseball bat rested on my shoulder. My fingers were striped red and white, reminding me of a barber’s pole – it happens when you grasp something as tightly as I was. My finger-tips were beet red, the knuckles white. I couldn’t stop thinking about it- why they looked that way. It was probably the first time I understood what people meant when they said that they had clenched their fists so tight that their knuckles went white. I was doing it right then. It was a real thing.

It's funny, the cliches that come to mind when you're stressed. I tried to shrink down so he couldn't see me, my step-father. I was in the hallway that opened up into the living room just a few feet ahead of me. From the angle I was at I could see only the back of his chair and the far corner of the living room. But the thought that he's decided that he'd already gone too far to turn back now and decided he'd have to kill everyone in the trailer felt very real to me.

That bat was the only thing I had that I might use as a weapon. So I tried to tighten my grip even more. I'd considered climbing out my bedroom window and running. But there was no way I was going to leave my mom there. It it wasn't her he'd shot then she might be next. Either way, I had to stop him.

I stuck my head out from around the corner of the hallway and into the living room, there was blood splattered all over the wall, the floor, the couch, and a body splayed out on the floor, silent. Not moving.

There were screams. Hysterical screams. I was aware of them the whole time, but I'd been so lost in my own head that I'd only barely registered them. It was the girlfriend of my step-father's brother. I wasn't sure what she was trying to say, I was distracted.

It was the blood. I couldn’t focus on anything except the blood. Oh man, there was so much of it. I wondered if I even had that much to lose when he finally decided to turn that gun to me.

Oh, you've jumped into the middle of things. If you haven' read my previous post, where I start spilling my guts about my childhood trauma then you may need to read that for context. Or not, I don't care. I'll sorta recapped things here. Maybe. Sorta.

True story, what’s above. A memory from my childhood. There’s more to it, but you know, ‘en media res’ and all that. It’s the hook that’s supposed to make you read on while I drone on for a very long time about boring stuff before I start tying it altogether later on. One could argue that it’s a lack of confidence in the narrative I’m telling, that I feel I need to jazz it up with something big at the beginning, but I don’t know, I’ve seen a lot of those murder-mystery shows, they pretty much all start with a murder and cut away before you get that one little clue that would have allowed you to put it all together without sitting through the show.

Besides, the art of writing is all about withholding information.

So, I found out recently that my step-father died. I hadn’t spoken to him since somewhere around Star Trek: TNG season 4(ish). He was a guy with a lot of personal demons, and his own life story was one personal tragedy after another, so I’m not entirely unsympathetic to him. But at the same time, he was also a guy who thought violence was the answer to all his problems. I hated him even as I felt sort of sorry for him.

I never really wrote about him before because I always had it in the back of my head that one day I’d get a knock on the door and it would be him, leveling a gun at me. Deciding that he was going to finish what he should have done that night 30 years earlier.

But he’s gone now. Has been for a couple of years now. I just found out a few months ago. It’s a weight that I didn’t know I’d been carrying around with me. So, yeah, there’s that.

He’s a guy, I think, that had a lot in common with Lore. Data’s younger brother. Because, believe it or not, I’m here to review Star Trek. Specifically, this episode, Datalore. And since I'm apparently airing all my dirty laundry on the internet, I might as well try to tie some of this together. See, my step-father was a guy, I truly believe, that was just made wrong. Something in the internal wiring was mixed up and he just couldn't help being awful. Even if being awful is going go to cause himself more pain and suffering as a result. He just couldn't help it. You know, like the whole scorpion stinging the turtle thing.

It's just in his nature.

Since the very beginning it’s been mostly one shitty episode after another I was stunned at how much I enjoyed The Big Goodbye. It could be because my expectations were so lowered by the time I got to it, that even something barely tolerable looks like an award winning feat by comparison. All I know is that that episode really struck a chord with me. I liked it. A lot.

So this one, maybe one of the more famous Season 1 episodes (Is it? I don’t know) is a quick turnaround right back into shitland again.

Dammit, I keep forgetting that I don’t want to reveal my personal opinions right off the bat. I’m supposed to play that close to the vest before dropping my opinion later.

Well, with all that air conveniently out of the bag, I’ll give my shortest synopsis ever, because I want to focus a bit on something that Lore did in the episode and talk about that for a few minutes.

So, here’s what happened. The Enterprise returns to the planet Data was discovered on. A colony had been there, but now it’s nothing but dead ground, regolith. They discover a hidden lab and inside is enough spare parts to assemble another android.

They immediately get everything back to the ship and start rebuilding the android. It wakes up and the first words out of its mouth are a lie. We learn that the colony they found him on was dead because the android (Lore) lured an alien life form there that devoured all life, down to the microbe, on the planet.

He turns off Data (by, I might add, spiking his Champagne… what?), poses as him, and lures the alien to the Enterprise to destroy everyone on the ship too. But Wesley figures the whole thing out, fixes Data, and together they thwart his plans, beaming Lore out into space, never to be seen or heard from again. Probably.

Now, there isn’t much about this episode that isn’t stupid. I want to rant about when the children who were fleeing the terror in the sky that was killing the whole world still took time to draw pictures of themselves fleeing from the Crystalline Entity, and whose parents were proud enough of said pictures to hang them up neatly on the walls of the laboratory – AS THEY WERE BEING DESTROYED! – but I won’t.

Instead I want to draw your attention to the part where Lore (posing as Data) tells Captain Picard that he wants to attempt to communicate with the entity - Which, apparently, means turning on the radio and just speaking English.

Upon threating the thing, he then advises that the Enterprise crew beam a large tree out into space, then shoot it. Thusly intimidating the Crystalline Entity and restoring peace to the land, or space, whatever.

I want to reiterate that, Lore proposes that they shoot a tree to prove how badass they are. This is supposed to intimidate a creature that is easily over a mile from tip to tip, and has demonstrated its ability to destroy all life on an entire planet.

But yes, shooting a tree should really teach it a lesson. The stupidest thing I’ve ever seen.

Of course Picard hears the moronic idea and agrees. Let’s start blowing shit up.

Oh Data, why did you have to have a brother?

Some thoughts:

• Wesley hasn't taken that Rainbow shirt off in some time.
• Data is practicing sneezing.
• Humans 'used to' get colds. Guess that's all cured in the 24th century too.
• Data's first memory is opening his eyes. My first memory, and I'm not kidding here, is pooping my pants while watching a rerun of Star Trek. I was 16. Wait, probably younger than that. I can't swear it was Star Trek I was watching, but I remember the Blue, Red, and Gold shirts.
• I like the tunnels that lead to Noonian Soogn's workshop/lab. Just god set design.
• Whatever kid drew the picture of panicked people fleeing from the Crystalline Entity in the top righthand corner of the pictures the kids drew was very talented.
• Soogn was mocked and driven out of the scientific community in shame because he didn't succeed in making an anti-matter brain on his first try.
• Also, it's weird that those pictures were posted. It looks an awful lot like that entity showed up and killed everyone. Was there just enough time for kids to draw the images and for proud parents to hang them up before they finally all died?
• They only had a few hours to explore Data's home planet? Why? They already said they were in a very remote region of space, it isn't like they have lots of other stuff to do, is there?
• Argyle! He's back!
• Why is Argyle and Dr Crusher so awkward about asking Data for a looksie inside?
• Why is the senior staff so uncomfortable about talking to Data about being a robot?
• Why did Riker sorta clap when Picard said humans are machines too?
• Sigh. Data has an off button. He shows Dr. Crusher so they can look at him. I am curious as to why they had to turn him off in order to see how his insides work.
• How did Data know what Picard was going to ask? He's flummoxed by almost every aspect of human nature.
• Data apparently can't use contractions. Weird, as he's been using them pretty regularly up until this Point.
• Lore sighs pretty loudly. It was explained later in the show that Data (and presumably, Lore) fakes breathing to seem more human. Just thought of that.
• Tasha asks how much they can trust Data now that Lore is around. Everyone on the bridge turns to stare at her. Picard answers and adds that the question is totally legit. God, that was so weird.
• Lore spiked Data's champagne. That is so strange. Data passed out. He's a robot, people.
• Lore figured out how to communicate with the Crystal Entity. Apparently he does so by just talking to it.
• Um, Data has a face twitch causing and repairing laser thing in his room. Just pointing that out.
• I broke down and bought the Blu ray disks. The Crystalline Entity looks amazing!
• Wesley gets all mean towards Lore (acting as Data) in front of everyone and doesn't bother explaining himself, so everyone just assumes he's an ass.
• Later, Wesley advises the crew of his Lore suspicion. They ignore him.
• Lore (as Data) just talks to the Entity again, everyone is impressed.
• Lore says they should transport a tree into space and blow it up to prove how badass they are.
• Stupid as that is. Picard seems impressed. Says to go ahead and do that.
• Wesley tries to interject Lore is evil and Picard tells him to 'Shut up!' Classic.
• Wesley refuses and keeps talking. His mom tells him to 'Shut up!' Double classic.
• Lore kicked the shit out of Worf.
• Data has awful reflexes, Lore grabbed him, shoved him and stole Dr Crusher's phaser before anyone can react. I can understand Dr Crusher being slow, but Data?

In summary, this episode is awful. It is one plot hole after another, all spackled up with more plot holes. Despite my hatred for this, Brent Spiner is really good. I like Data heavy episodes because he does a great job with the character. They just need to give him something to work with that isn't so dumb. Also, Wesley gets told to shut up, which is great, and again, which is even greater. Because, yet again, he figured everything out and no one would believe him. He's just so damn smug. Of course, everyone else got real dumb in this episode anyway, it was just so awful. Don't watch it.

My rating?

1 out of 5

Hide and Q (S1 ep 10)

People, you're in for a break today, I don't feel like going into details of my teenage life this installment - consider it my gift to you for good behavior.

Because every once in awhile a show comes around that's so bad... well, in this case it's almost too shitty to put into words. Crap like this has been happening more often than I would think possible. Seriously, this was just awful. Dammit, I'm not supposed to spoil this so early. Pretend I didn't say anything.
Unlike the last episode, I definitely saw this one several times. It seems like the Q shows were repeated over and over during the years. The thing is, I don't remember hating it so much the first half-dozen times I saw it.

They quick and dirty version of this episode is this:

So, Q shows up, again. Ten episodes and I think half of them have been covering territory already covered in previous episodes.

But whatever. Q shows up, does a bunch of crazy stuff like only Q can do, and it's all an excuse to give Riker the power of the Q. Picard takes this as an opportunity to moralize more than he ever has before... and I have no idea what he's moralizing about. Somehow using all this power to save a little girl that just died in a mining accident is somehow evil. So Riker doesn't do it because he promised Picard he wouldn't

Riker gets mad about it and calls the bridge crew up and Picard smugly moralizes some more. Then to prove how correct he is about something, I don't know, it's weird, he lets Riker give gifts to the whole crew.

Firstly, Riker gives Wesley the gift of being all grown up. Weirdly, Geordi seems turned on by it.
Second, Riker offers to turn Data into a real man, but Data refuses because it wouldn't be real (?).
Then, Riker gives to Geordi the gift of sight. Geordi then ogles Tasha before saying he would rather be blind that owe his sight to Q (or maybe Riker, it was a bit unclear).
Then, bizarrely enough, he gives Worf a sex slave. Geordi sorta judges Worf for his un-human sexual practices and desires, and Worf screams about how uncomfortable he is about doing this girl on the bridge in front of everyone. It was so dumb.
Riker looks to Tasha and offers her nothing. Ha!

That's really all there is to say about his episode. It sucked. Bad.

Some additional thoughts:

• To show you how unintelligible this dialog is, Q calls Worf a Macrohead with a Microbrain. Then he laughs at his own clever put down. I was embarrassed for him. I thought the Q were supposed to be a super-intelligence or something. 
• As a production, the alien world they were transported to looked awful. There wasn't much to enjoy there. It was some fake rocks against a green screen, they just forgot to drop in a computer generated background. God knows that couldn't have been on purpose. 
• When Q says something ridiculous Tasha screams out, 'You've gone too far!' Q immediately makes an example out of her. Did she not remember the last time he visited? She made a similar outburst and was frozen solid. She has to have learned not to do that to him.
• Tasha only really has one scene in this episode, and it's maybe the worst one of her's I've seen all season. She cries some before hitting on Picard. It's like her character and Wesley's are tag teaming how much they can piss me off in these episodes. 
• Picard and Q's Shakespeare battle is really, well, it happened. 
• Riker is given the power of Q. Picard and the crew turn on him so fast it's disturbing. 
• In an episode that's already heavy on the moralizing, Picard gives a rant that makes less sense than almost anything I've ever come across in any form of narrative fiction. Somehow using the power at all, no matter how great of a reason, would be evil. 
• Because Riker promised not to use his powers, they get to the mining colony and Riker can easily save these people. Instead he lets them die. 
• Riker gets mad and immediately starts a smugness battle with Picard on the bridge of the Enterprise. The gift giving exchange is insanely stupid. 
• It may not have been anything long lasting. But Wesley being stabbed was somehow cathartic. Probably because in the ten episodes of this show so far, I've only had a moment or two where I momentarily felt I was dealing with real people, and not some sort of utopian satire or something. This ended up playing well comedically. Not the intended effect, I think.

MY FAVORITE SHIRT!!

In summary, this is not as bad as Code of Honor, but is up there with The Naked Now on my all time hate list. It's going to be my mission in life to never subject myself to this episode ever again. I wash my hands of it now, and marvel at its stupidity.

It's sad, a show about getting ultimate power could be very well done, and if memory serves, was explored again in later seasons with Barclay, kinda, and much better. This was a waste of everyone's time. How did this show not get cancelled by now? They clearly had no idea how to do a TV show.

My rating?

1 out of 5